"You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens" --Rumi--
Hey all! It's the Lion, I wanted to take a few minutes to talk about emotional baggage. You know exactly what I am talking about when I say those two words. The words emotional baggage typically make people cringe and feel pity for others as well as themselves. I remember when I was one of those people that thought emotions were gross and not something I wanted to deal with. I was also an empath that didn't realize what I was until I was thirty. I didn't know that it was possible for another human to feel someone else's emotions. I suffered from bouts of depression off and on and at one point I was one checkmark away from being diagnosed as manic depressive. At this point, I realized that if I did not figure out what was wrong with me, I would be on medications for the rest of my life. That was not something that I was willing to do; I had difficulty before every medication they gave me. I felt like a robot or zombie; unable to feel anything. I was always just going through the motions of life. That is when I began my journey of self-discovery. I learned about empath and mediums. Found that I carried a lot of the traits for empaths. I started learning how to discern my emotions and other emotions. Which allowed me to have better control of my mood swings. The truth is that most of the things that I was feeling weren't even my emotions.
I slowly started to work on my emotional baggage. Most importantly, I started forgiving people for the ways that they had hurt me. Forgiveness wasn't for their benefit; it was primarily for me to be at peace with my past and the traumas that I had experienced. These things still frightened me so very much. I started with what I considered as small transgressions and much later started to work on the really big stuff as in, sexual trauma. That was and still is a messy ongoing process of pinpointing the problem, processing it, and trying to release and forgive anyone else that was involved in it. I have been working on this particular emotional baggage for about 4 years now.
Sometimes our emotions jump up and bite us right in the butt. I had taken a tobacco class this last weekend. While in meditation with tobacco, I asked to be shown patterns involving me looking for my worthiness and loveable in others' approval. I was taken aback by how quickly I was shown a relationship that I have had for the majority of my life. For nearly 3 days, I was feeling complete and utter heartbreak. It felt soul-deep and was absolutely devastating. I tried to convey my emotions to this person and was completely shut down. Literally, hung up on! Unfortunately, this individual does not have the emotional capacity to understand emotions let alone the depth of pain that was caused by their actions. Many years ago, I would not have even had the courage to speak up about my feelings. Honestly, I wouldn't have even understood them myself. I have worked so hard to get to where I am today emotionally and spiritually. I refuse to revert to my old ways of being. Some choose to see me as difficult and others may see courage and strength. What matters more than anything else is how I see ME! Hear me out; I don't say this from a place of ego. I remember when the world and situations were too much! I remember when I was unable to speak my truth and instead would go into a dark closet and close the door. Literally hiding from everyone. I would be inside that closet curled up in the corner, rocking back and forth. I remember this all as though it was yesterday. I remember ALWAYS agreeing to whatever everyone else wanted to do despite me hating it. I clearly recall being the yes girl. Constantly overwhelming myself with obligations, thinking that if I did this or that I would be worthy of love. and that others would care about how they treated me. I did so much for other people, but I never did anything just for myself. I have worked exceedingly hard to climb out of that dark hole that I called existence. I am learning to thrive while helping others crawl out of that same hole of despair. I try my hardest to always be my authentic self in all situations. I hope that by doing this, I give others the courage to also live their own lives with authenticity. Emotional baggage (especially with empaths) can be messy and sometimes confusing. Emotions indicate things that we need to work on with ourselves. Oftentimes they show us our biggest traumas and lead us in doing the shadow work required to heal ourselves. I will not apologize for the fact that I feel too many emotions. I will not let someone make me feel as though my feelings are invalid and I definitely will not invalidate someone else's feelings. I strive to hold space for those that are healing to allow them to be authentic and assist them in unloading their emotional baggage.
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